I apologize all the time. At the slightest hint of conflict. Not even just when I might have done something wrong. When anybody has done something wrong. Or somebody might feel that someone has done something wrong. Or when somebody is inconvenienced at all.
I do it to defuse the conflict. I just can't stand fighting or disharmony anymore; my skin has worn as thing as a wet layer of paper tissue. I can't take it. I can't take anything.
It affects the apologies that are meant to be. The heart- felt "Sorry. I screwed up and I hurts me that I caused you pain" ones. I am not entirely sure when I actually feel that way anymore. It all gets lost in the automatism of apologizing.
Girls kissing girls. Kind of a popular topic lately, isn't it ? Lots of song, lots of talk. Usually, I'd welcome that, being an obvious proponent of gay right and all the related jazz. But I'm angry. Why am I angry about all the song and all the talk, you ask ? Because it's all backwards.
Regarding rights and acceptance, it's become obvious that western society seems to be marching backwards hell-bent on wronging some rights. Don't believe me ? Well, let's have a look at exibit A, a song called "I kissed a girl"... Not by Katy Perry, but by Jill Sobule, in 1995.
I like this song. It's happy. It's positive. It's all about self-discovery and finding the right life, the right person, regardless of gender conventions. It's about love. No overblown drama, no angst, just a happy little bit of love.
Key phrase: "I kissed a girl, won't change the world, but I'm so glad I kissed a girl" See, that's a good one because it sums it all up. It's no big deal. It won't change society. It's just what some of us silly humans need to be happy. This is the right message.
Now, as much as I'd like to avoid it, let's have a look at exibit B. You know what's coming, I know what's coming, let's cut to the chase.
Quite a different affair, isn't it ? Even the video shows the differences clearly. No playful silliness, no bright colors. Instead, we get our standard "sinful decadence" setting and bodies moving seductively in slow motion while the almost-threatening club beat stomps away. And what does Miss Perry tell us about it all ?
No, I don't even know your name It doesn't matter, You're my experimental game Just human nature, It's not what, Good girls do Not how they should behave My head gets so confused Hard to obey
Key phrase: "I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry chap stick I kissed a girl just to try it I hope my boyfriend don't mind it"
Yep. She even... Actually, scratch that. This is clearly a designer piece. Marketing. Not the effort of a musician. So.... They even had the nerve to include that boyfriend line, just in case that, heaven forbid, somebody actually thinks that we have a real lesbian on our hands. Eww, no ! Who'd like a girl who doesn't fuck boys ? We clearly can't have that.
The implications are clear. Thirteen years after Jill Sobule got it all damn right, we're back to looking at lesbian relationships as nothing more than a forbidden kink. A porn movie fantasy. "Woah, look at what a naughty, naughty slut I am, boys".
Way to go, Katy. Way to go, Capitol Records. I hereby congratulate you for your valiant efforts in setting both the movements of gay and women's rights back by at least thirteen years. Your contri- butions to the ongoing effort of reducing women to vapid and disposable sex objects have inspired many. I'm sure that all the homosexual (and bisexual and heterosexual, for that matter) women of the world will be eternally grateful for greedy assholes like you and your crafty ways of making tons of money by spreading their sexist and condescending image of women.
If any of these women happen to be inclined to express their gratitude with the aid of torches, pitchforks and possibly baseball bats with huge nails driven through the top... Would you mind a guy who's just itching to tag along ?
I'm not feeling great lately. I don't really know what triggered this, but lately, I've been feeling quite unhinged. And I can't really talk about it with any of my friends, because they either have enough problems of their own, or they are in good spirits which I really shouldn't ruin.
But hardly anyone ever seems to read this blog, so I suppose that I can get it out on here.
Where do I start ? I've got those increasingly frequent and overwhelming pushes of aggression. This chaotic rage and desperation. Sometimes, it's to the point where I need to scream every few minutes. I'd do more than scream, but that would be unreasonable.
I've been slacking off with my fitness workouts. And to make it worse, I can't stop eating lately. Maybe that's because my parents keep telling me that I'm underweight (160 pounds at 6'1 / 73 kg at 1,86m, judge for yourself), but the way I eat lately isn't healthy at all. I'm losing everything I've been working the past two years for. I don't want to go back, but that's where I'm headed.
I rarely really talk to my friends anymore. I think I'm failing them all. It's like I lost my ability to help others.... or maybe I never really had any ability like that. Maybe it's all too complicated for simple advice now.
