Monday, April 14, 2008

Not Well Lately

I'm not feeling great lately. I don't really know
what triggered this, but lately, I've been feeling
quite unhinged. And I can't really talk about it with
any of my friends, because they either have enough
problems of their own, or they are in good spirits
which I really shouldn't ruin.

But hardly anyone ever seems to read this blog,
so I suppose that I can get it out on here.

Where do I start ?  I've got those increasingly
frequent and overwhelming pushes of aggression.
This  chaotic rage and desperation. Sometimes, it's
to the point where I need to scream every few
minutes. I'd do more than scream, but that would
be unreasonable.

I've been slacking off with my fitness workouts.
And to make it worse, I can't stop eating lately.
Maybe that's because my parents keep telling me
that I'm underweight (160 pounds at 6'1 / 73 kg at
1,86m, judge for yourself), but the way I eat lately
isn't healthy at all. I'm losing everything I've been
working the past two years for. I don't want to go
back, but that's where I'm headed.

I rarely really talk to my friends anymore.
I think I'm failing them all. It's like I lost my
ability to help others....
or maybe I never really had any ability like that.
Maybe it's all too complicated for simple advice

I can't find any drive to do anything lately.

Everything seems so futile.

And it is.