Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry.

I apologize.

I apologize all the time.
At the slightest hint of conflict. Not even just when I
might have done something wrong. When anybody has
done something wrong. Or somebody might feel that
someone has done something wrong. Or when somebody
is inconvenienced at all. 

I do it to defuse the conflict. I just can't stand fighting
or disharmony anymore; my skin has worn as thing as
a wet layer of paper tissue. I can't take it. I can't take
anything.

It affects the apologies that are meant to be. The heart-
felt "Sorry. I screwed up and I hurts me that I caused
you pain" ones. I am not entirely sure when I actually
feel that way anymore. It all gets lost in the automatism
of apologizing.

And the punchline is... It doesn't even work. 

Murk

Sometimes, I see a hand rise from the murk,

and with surprise, I realize that it is my own.
As all the wet dirt and grime and mud slides down, off the fingers, it looks almost clean, almost normal, as it reaches out for the bark.
But of course, the bark really is a blade of straw.
The mud crashes over my head as I briefly pull the straw down with me before it slips through my fingers and floats back to the surface.

Then, things are as they were.

Blissing Followup

Followup on the "things that bliss you" thing.
Will have to do more of this another time.

Another Part (of me)

Today, I tried to get back in touch with a part of
me that I've been having issues with - My body.
A few years ago, inspired by a friend's blog, I decided
to get into better physical shape... To be what a man
should look like. To be able to look at myself without
disgust.

And, while not overwhelmingly so, it did work. I shed
over 22 pounds and, for the first time in my life, there
was actually a visible effect when I flexed a few of my
muscles.

And what does a guy who is proud of something
do ? Show it to the world, of course. This might come
as a bit of a shock to some of you (assuming that any-
body is left reading this), but I have indeed taken up
photographic self portraits. Of my body. In a word,
nudes. Hopefully "artistic nudes", as the phrase goes.

However, over the course of 2008, I became negligent.
I ate more things that I shouldn't be eating and kept
skipping my workouts. And of course, it showed. So
I grew ashamed and hid from the site that I posted my
nudes on. And I felt miserable about myself every day.

But I decided that I can't keep spiralling down into
obesity. Sure, at the rate I was going, it might take
years.... But it was definitely the direction I was going.
I won't allow it, though. I just cannot lose the only thing
that gives me any right to call myself a man. And believe
me, without a man's body, I am but a boy.

So I am re-adjusting again. Eating better, working out,
being active. And I'm taking photos again. If things keep
getting worse, I still won't be hiding it. There has to be
something that I can do right, and it might be this.

In closing, I'm attaching a link to my non-nude
Deviantart.com gallery. There, I am posting a modified
version of this blog entry, which will contain a link to
my nudes. Because I decided that I have nothing to hide. 

Link: My  Deviantart Gallery (Non-Nude)